Discovering your own strength can sometimes be hard, but there are some steps you can take to help build up your confidence – here’s how…
Would you talk to your friends and family the way you talk to yourself? We can be so critical of ourselves, without stopping to think if we would push others away if we said the same to them. Whether it’s telling yourself that you’re no good at your career and you don’t deserve praise, or ruthlessly attacking your appearance, low self-belief can seriously affect your life and overall happiness. There are so many benefits to boosting your self-worth, from strengthening your relationships to improving your mental health – easier said than done, right? Old habits die hard, and it may feel strange to try to change your mindset to a more positive one if you’re used to tearing yourself down, or listening to other people’s opinions of you. That’s why we’ve called in the experts to help give us a boost – you’ll soon be ready to tackle that job interview or walk into a gym full of strangers with your head held high.
Acknowledge yourself
“As human beings, we’re not taught to acknowledge ourselves at all,” states advanced hypnotherapist and qualified mindful practitioner Jo Haworth, who runs The Happiness Club (thehappinessclub.co.uk). “In fact, we’re actively dissuaded from acknowledging our own brilliance, in case we get too big for our own boots. I encourage people to acknowledge themselves on a daily basis with this simple technique: Make a list of at least 20 things that you’re proud of, that you have achieved and qualities that you have that you like. Each item on your list must start with the words ‘I love that I am’ or ‘I love that I have’. For example, some of mine are: ‘I love that I am a good mum’; ‘I love that I am a great speaker’; ‘I love that I love hugs’ and ‘I love that I have a good sense of humour’. Once you have your list of at least 20 things, set a timer and spend five minutes every morning reading the list out loud to yourself with as much feeling as you can muster. It will make you feel strange at first, but do it anyway and keep doing it until you no longer feel like that.”
Feel it
“Close your eyes and build a mental picture of the ‘confident’ you in your mind,” says Jo. “Notice how you look, what you’re wearing, how your hair is, how you walk, how you talk, how you gesture and so on. Build every little detail of the confident you. Now hold on to that image for a few minutes, allowing yourself to really feel how it feels to be that confident version of yourself. Repeat that exercise every day. If you use this technique on a regular basis, over time you will feel more confident in yourself and about yourself. Practise makes confidence.”
Be it ‘til you see it
“Ask yourself: ‘What would happen right now if I absolutely knew I could do anything, with total confidence in my abilities and complete faith in myself? How would I feel?’,” says author and psychology coaching expert Mel Pledger, founder of DNA Light Up (dnalightup.net). “It sounds simple – and it is. Our brain acts like Google and will respond immediately with answers. As we imagine the experience of feeling confident, then we automatically begin to feel it and to behave in a confident manner. The more we do this, by asking the simple question, the easier it becomes to tap into our natural well of calm, strength and certainty.”
Keep it real
“Stop the positive and negative assessments,” Mel advises. “Constantly judging ourselves gives us just a 50 percent chance of success, because the negative will always be lurking in the background. Have a go at simply being aware of what you notice and see what happens. There’s a simple technique that helps us do this without judgment, criticism or blame, keeping us in the moment, acknowledging what’s really going on rather than how we think we ‘should’ be feeling. On a scale of one to 10 (one being ‘on the floor’, 10 being ‘top of the world’) simply notice where you are right now. Add a word or short phrase to describe how you’re feeling. And remember, a ‘two – scared and alone’ has just as much value as a ‘10 – excited’. Why? Because you’re acknowledging who you are in that moment. And from there, with an honest evaluation, you can make choices.”
Weigh up your good points
“Most of us are so used to looking for where and how we’re not measuring up and what we need to do better, that we forget to notice the things we do well, and they just slip by,” Mel explains. “Imagine the kid who scores nine out of 10 in the spelling test, and an adult asks what stopped them from getting a 10. Or the man who spends all day cleaning and polishing his car, only to be told he’s missed a bit. We feel it when other people spot the bits we could have done better. Yet we overlook when we’re doing it to ourselves. So, make a habit of really noticing all you’ve done well and give yourself a pat on the back, even if the only thing you’ve done well so far today is to wake up. Congratulations! You’re alive. So now go live life!”
How to find your inner confidence as an introvert
“Being an introvert doesn’t automatically mean you’re lacking in confidence, but in our world that values and encourages extraversion, our confidence can take a knock,” says Joanna Rawbone, founder of Flourishing Introverts (flourishingintroverts. com). Here are her tips for accessing your inner strength.
- Own your introvert qualities and strengths. What is it you do well, consistently and without any real effort? And what value do (or could) these add to a situation? This will vary from introvert to introvert, as there are six basic types of introversion resulting in numerous combinations. Make a list for easy reference and keep adding to it. For example, if you’re a great listener, dial up the quality of your listening and use it to summarise what’s been said or raise awareness of assumptions or even suggest ways forward.
- Prepare thoroughly. As introverts tend to have a think-say-think communication process, the pace of life may not allow enough time to share ideas and thoughts. Time spent quietly thinking things through makes the chance of being heard at the right time more likely. The quietest voices often deliver the most profound contribution.
- Recharge sufficiently. Replenish your mental energy before, and after, a taxing situation. Take a walk, listen to some music, meditate. Do what you know works for you.
- Ask for what you need. If you’re finding the thought of a situation unnerving, decide what you need to make it more manageable. This might be asking for help, support or space.
- Expand your comfort zone. Some people talk about stepping outside, but I believe it’s about expansion so you’re able to do more things comfortably. Ultimately confidence grows when we take action and apply ourselves. It’s not a passive process.
